We

DSCN7006Oh man, today is a big freakin day!

Exactly 4 months ago today, I told Chris goodbye for his 30 day course down in Dallas. Today is the end of that. The end of the course, the end of goodbyes, the end of separation. When I pick him up from the airport this morning, we will be together again. Just as we always were.

Words cannot describe the excitement and happiness that I feel pouring out from within me. I have missed him so and I know the joy that our reuniting will bring to both of us.

We move to Texas in just six days.

We.

Because we are together again.

7 years of words

Yesterday I spent awhile in our office packing up tons of things. All of our wedding stuff is back there, photos, memory boxes, plus just the office stuff. So much stuff. Anyway as I was packing, I packed up the oldest thing in the room and it occurred to me that I’ve never really written about it before. So here’s the story of my old box.

When I was roughly 15/16, I did some pretty crazy things (haha.) A younger me was very passionate, I threw myself into everything, a true drama queen. It was during these years that I learned something about myself and learned things about people. I learned that I craved control, that I shouldn’t make myself completely vulnerable to anyone, and that I didn’t handle my emotions very well.

So I started this…

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This is a box of letters. Letters to all kinds of people. People I loved. People I hated. People I kept secrets from. I have had this box for almost 7 years and I still add to it all the time. This is 7 years of words I’ve never said. Truth and feelings that I’ve only kept on paper. It’s not unhealthy, in fact I think it’s perfect. In so many ways, there are things that words cannot change. Saying these words in some ways would bear no impact on the things they refer to. In some cases, it would certainly change, but in most cases it would make no difference.

In college, I once reread a lot of these and wrote a paper called “The Things I Never Said” and  here’s a piece of that from a letter c. 2009

Why do we let people show us who they really are and then destroy them for it? It’s like the minute we gain an advantage on someone we have to utilize it. Seriously, I remember you once said, “I never knew you could be so kind and compassionate.” Well good, because I’ll never show another soul. Thanks for the lesson.

onward

imageSo I guess we should talk a little about what’s going on and why I haven’t been here. This blog is about me. It’s about my life and the way that I express it through writing. I write about my feelings, anecdotes, and sometimes I just leave the writing of other’s here that I find inspirational. Well, that being said, I haven’t been able to write lately. Well, at least not on here (I’ve already filled 2 journals this month!) It’s hard to really say what I’m feeling without sounding completely insane.

But I’m going to try.

Back in May, Chris went to Dallas for, what was supposed to be, a month long course to wrap up his flying. After being down there a few weeks, it became very apparent that Chris had found his place; a little nest where he could grow and prosper in his career. So….. we decided to move to Texas at the end of August. That way, I would have plenty of time to get things ready and give a proper notice at my job.

A few days after Chris and I discussed it, I walked into the office at work prepared to talk to my boss about our decision. I sat down in front of her and before a single word left my mouth, I cried. I was and remain very happy for Chris, and myself. I am also very excited about all the opportunity this move will bring to our lives. But you must understand that this is not easy. In fact, I believe this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

In 10 days, I will be living in a new city in a new state. I’ll finally be under the same roof as my husband for the first time in four months. I’ll be five days away from starting my new job and I’ll have a new dog (haha-more on that later). I have so much to be excited about. Really, I am so excited and so proud of all that has become of this.

But.

I also feel this very deep sadness about leaving. It’s the darkest kind that’s ever followed my heart around. It has me displaced and so heavy all the time. While there is so much to gain from all this, it will be a slightly pyrrhic victory. I’ve spent every week for the past year and 1 month (to the day!) at Pier 1. I have made a life, a career, and a family there. I have developed friendships, some the strongest and longest I’ve ever had. I’ve grown into a new person there and developed qualities I hope to maintain forever.

I know this is the right thing for me, but I will miss it.

I will miss it everyday.

 

 

Choose Joy

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(Left photo from a year ago–right photo from this week)

I get compliments all the time about how much weight I’ve lost, how good I look, how tiny I’ve gotten, etc. All of which are shortly followed by, what diet are you on or what workout are using?  Lately my quickest answer has been my job and truthfully, part of it is my job. I do physical labor for 40-50 hours a week. Anyone who goes from nothing to that will surely lose weight,  but that wasn’t all of it.

For me, it wasn’t about the excercise, or what I was eating, literally it was the way I felt. The way I felt about me, my life, and my body. So how did I do it? What did I do to turn it all around?

I changed my perspective, I changed my attitude. Things that use to stress me out, I’ve made peace with and they no longer do. Where I once looked forward to days off, I now live every day, minute by minute. I’m more successful at work, my runs are more vigorous,  and do you know how much more enjoyable a glass of wine with friends is, when you aren’t thinking of tomorrow’s to do list?

I’ve taken a stance on my life to choose joy and I am much happier person because of it. There is peace inside and out. So next time you see me, ask me, how good do you feel?

#findyourpeace

this fourth

DSCN7012It’s been awhile since I’ve done an outfit post (sorry) but today I was totally feeling it and since it’s the fourth I thought I’d wear a subtle version of red, white, and blue. Flats, a tee, and jeans, back to basics, the best outfit. Plus I hope you’re digging those red lips because I certainly am! ;)

I have a rather busy day on my agenda today but I’m going to spend some time with a lot of people I love. A work day with my favorites and then a cookout with my family. Yay!

See you soon guys! DSCN7011DSCN7018DSCN7013

TOP: Wal-Mart

JEANS: American Eagle

Flats: Old Navy

(P.S. Can we all take a second and check out my right leg… haha!  #diva)

before dawn

DSCN70086 days before 5am.

You wouldn’t believe the peace you find in the morning before the dawn.

“Morning brings back the heroic ages. There was something cosmical about it; a standing advertisement, till forbidden, of the everlasting vigor and fertility of the world. The morning, which is the most memorable season of the day, is the awakening hour. Then there is least somnolence in us; and for an hour, at least, some part of us awakes which slumbers all the rest of the day and night.”
― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

The Wicked

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(From Wicked a week or so ago with my momma)

One of my favorite things about a story is when it personally speaks to you. It’s what I love about reading. Aside from the adventure a book brings,  I love connecting with the author, with the story, and with the characters. I’m not sure why, but perhaps it’s that message of “You’re not alone” that I find so calming among the pages of books in the hearts and minds of characters and stories.

Wicked is, without a doubt, one of those stories. From the moment I read the first page until the very end, I felt so moved, like someone had finally spoken an unknown truth. It’s an interesting perspective to hear the side of the villian, to learn why they are the way they are. You don’t think about villains in the story much. You only yearn for their defeat and the triumph of good over evil. Even authors and directors are guilty of not defending their villians and telling us how they came to be so evil, and even when they do, we never get the whole story.

But the truth is, no one is born that way, no one is born wicked, and even the Devil was once an angel.

To quote Gregory Maguire: “People who claim that they’re evil are usually no worse than the rest of us… It’s people who claim that they’re good, or any way better than the rest of us, that you have to be wary of.”

#truth

truly beautiful

Processed with VSCOcamThe very first place I flew on an airplane to was to California. I had just turned 18 and we were going to visit my dad in San Francisco to spend some time with him and see the city. It was my first time in an airport, my first time on a plane, and my first time outside the bible belt.

I swear since then, I’ve never seen the world the same. Once you’ve been above the clouds and you’ve seen just how close you can get to another world, your heart can’t go home tempted to never wander.

Since that trip, I’ve been in tons of airports, flew on countless planes, and I’ve seen cities all over the U.S.

But, I’ve always come back home. To the place where my heart is safe and I know how to drive and there’s just half as much litter as there is everywhere else in the world. I love Oklahoma, I always have and I always will, it was my home.

Was my home… I feel so compelled to say that I don’t know where home is. I’m not lost, but undecided. My heart is literally in more than one place right now.

I’d like to be back above the clouds, like I was the very first time. In total awe of their beauty from above, I forgot myself and the world we are in. It was truly, beautiful.

 

sweet june

DSCN6999Hello! I’m sorry for my absence (again) lately, but this year has been really difficult for me from a writing perspective and unfortunately my blog is paying the price! I’ve really been struggling to sit down and put what I want to say into words. I have draft upon draft of unfinished posts because I just can’t seem to get it right. I have things I want to say, things I need to say, things I don’t know if you care about, things I don’t care if you care about, but I just can’t seem to put any of them down. I’m hoping that I can make myself get back into the swing of things, I love this blog and I miss it.

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller for want of an understanding ear.”
― Stephen King, Different SeasonsDSCN7001DSCN7002
TOP: TJ Maxx

JEANS: American Eagle

NECKLACE: Old Navy

SHOES: TJ Maxx